sincerely, me

i've been so busy lately being sad about the way my job is changing and how much i want to leave it but i don't know if i have the courage or qualifications to do something else that i forgot to also be sad that my life and body don't measure up to what i'd like them to be. it's a good thing social media exists to remind me.

Over the last couple years, I started jotting down my random thoughts in a note in my phone. I'm not sure that I ever really intended to make something of them, but they are exactly suited to what this blog has been/become: a little bit too personal and self-degrading, but hopefully relatable. Before I share them with you, reader, I want to share something else. 119. That's the number of books I read last year. Can you believe it?? I can't. It'd been so long since I even tried to read, I forgot the experience of it. How sometimes you leave the world as you know it without knowing it, and coming to the end of a really good story is like waking up again. The secondhand joy that comes from a moment shared between the two love interests. Regaining your breath (and resting heart rate) after a particularly tense encounter with a murderer. It's incredible, and I hope never to stop doing this ever again. I started reading again in April 2021, and what really hooked me agai

I am feeling a lot. I am disappointed in myself for everything I am right now. I am lazy, unmotivated, unhappy, and boring. And bored. I don't know what to do about it. Depending on what you believe about the world, I should either make my own change or rely on God to fulfill His plan in me. I believe that God will enact His plan for my life, but what if His plan is to leave me this lump of a human? That doesn't sound right to me, really, though, if I'm honest, I don't know Him that well. I am feeling heartbroken. It's hard to put into words, especially via a blog that I know anyone might read. I spend a lot of time distracting myself from my problems, because I don't know how to solve them, and if I did, I don't have the confidence to do what it takes. I want a new job, and I want it to be something that fulfills something other than my financial obligations. But I'm afraid to be less than what they're looking for, and what if I find something that

I am turning 30. I knew it would come eventually. I mean, as long as I continued living. Yet it's weird. When I was 23, there was a guy that, according to others and not the guy, liked me. At the time, he was 29, and I thought, nope, he's way too old. Sometimes I still find myself thinking that, like, oh, he's an adult, he's way too old for me, until I remember that I'm an adult, and I'm almost 30, and I'm getting kind of old. I think part of my dysfunctional thinking regarding age is that I still work at my college campus. The landmarks look the same and the students look the same, but I'm getting older. I don't feel older. I asked my grandma recently about her age, and she said that she still felt young, like her body was aging around her, but she felt the same as she had at 25. Age is just another thing we have absolutely no control over yet feel as if we should. We can get plastic surgery, follow diets that purportedly extend life, date younger

I want to be held accountable for keeping up with this blog, so I need your help. Please, bug me if I break my promise. I promise to write on here once a year. I mean, it has to be an attainable goal, right? And once a year, clearly, is still a challenge for me. I read again my last real post . I meant to try to keep my promise. I was doing okay for a minute. Then something happened in my family, and I just couldn't imagine writing anything. What would I say? How could I come up with some pithy story to tell when it felt like something important might end? At least, that was my reason for the next few months. Then, everyone was fine, and I still wasn't writing. I think I fell into that funk: nothing worth telling is going on, I feel not great most of the time, what's the point? The point is that I'm not sure who I am anymore, which, ugh, is there a more cliché phrase in the history of the world? Maybe I'm just too focused on who I used to be. I used to read

It's been almost exactly three years since I gave the last 10 facts, so I forgive you if you've forgotten them.  This  is the first post I made in this series, and  this  is the second. Riveting stuff. Honestly, I'm posting this because I've decided that I want to put more thought into these posts. I want them to represent what I actually think instead of what I write in the moment because the first fact: 21. I don't usually edit my own writing. I proofread it, of course, because you have to. Credibility is a fragile thing and is shot to death by typos and incorrect spelling. And I want to write on more meaningful topics, which means I really need to consider what I say and research. Not that I've never done research on one of these before. But I'm going to try to take the time between posts to research and contemplate and edit and maybe change my mind. What I want to write is too important to discuss flippantly. So, here's the next nine facts abou

I think I want to apologize before you read any of this. You can't see it yet, but there are so many memes down below. To all who were born in the wrong dec--I mean, anyone who was not born in the 90's, I'm sorry. That you weren't born in the 90's--I mean, that you may not relate to all of this content, but also for the lack of representation of other decades. But I don't have a lot of experience growing up in other decades. So. Disclaimer over. Nostalgia has a strange power. It makes you remember with fondness that which you never really cared about. I thought about this when looking at our "nametag graveyard." There is a lot of turnover at my job and there are many people that those who are there now have never heard of. We still have the nametags, I guess because they cost money, and why throw away things like that? Every once in a while, someone will forget their own and borrow that of a past employee. And I think of that person, even though some