Self-Made Woman
I am terrified of the future.
I can't think about it or I feel hopeless, like I'll never be anything, like every single one of my dreams will come crashing down around my shoulders if I even try.
I want to write so badly. And I guess I don't have to be a writer to write. But I want my time to be encompassed by writing and love and a little more writing. Maybe I do, I'm not sure.
What I'm afraid of the most is turning out to be like the very person I never want to be. No one person in particular, just that girl who settles. She's got a pretty well-paying job, why try to make it any further? Or she's tried, but nothing's worked. She's stuck.
I can't be stuck. I can't settle.
You would think that would motivate me to do a little more, to work a little harder. But I am lazy, and effortless, meaning I put forth almost no effort. And I hate that. Why can't I be the girl that everyone reads about in the newspaper, the one who's so successful, who has worked her way to the top, or just to where she wants to be?
I just finished a movie called Teacher's Pet starring Clark Gable and Doris Day. Clark Gable plays an uneducated newspaper editor who thinks experience is more important than education. His boss makes him guest lecture in a journalism class taught by Doris Day's character. Gable is expecting an old, crotchety, male professor and instead encounters Day. He begins to like her and is dismayed to find she is dating someone. She isn't, really, just writing a book with him, but that isn't the point here. Doris Day's "boyfriend" is, like, perfect.
I know, people can't be perfect, but he is about as close to perfect as I can define it. He's nice, pretty good-looking, and is a successful psychologist who has written over a dozen books. Besides that, he was in some war, I think, and has traveled a lot of places. I can't really tell you all of what he did, because I don't quite remember, but the point is he's done so much. He made something of his life. He did something and became someone. I want to do that.
Someday, I want to see my name on a national bestseller's list. I would like my writing to be studied in classes (hey, they studied Twilight in a class at my school a couple years ago, why not?), to be pored over to find the true meaning of, to be picked apart into quotes that people use as their Facebook status. Will I ever be that person? Is wanting something enough to get you there? And I don't mean that like, just sit there and want it and never work to get it, but will the work done to get it ever be enough? Will it lead to the outcome you've worked so hard to achieve? And will I ever work hard enough to achieve it? Will my hard work ever matter?
Deep thoughts for a public blog... And I know no one can answer these questions, not really. I just feel like I have to get them out, and maybe someone can help me find the way to the answers I'm looking for. No questions this time, but if you'd like to answer them, go ahead. Be unafraid. Unlike me. =)
I can't think about it or I feel hopeless, like I'll never be anything, like every single one of my dreams will come crashing down around my shoulders if I even try.
I want to write so badly. And I guess I don't have to be a writer to write. But I want my time to be encompassed by writing and love and a little more writing. Maybe I do, I'm not sure.
What I'm afraid of the most is turning out to be like the very person I never want to be. No one person in particular, just that girl who settles. She's got a pretty well-paying job, why try to make it any further? Or she's tried, but nothing's worked. She's stuck.
I can't be stuck. I can't settle.
You would think that would motivate me to do a little more, to work a little harder. But I am lazy, and effortless, meaning I put forth almost no effort. And I hate that. Why can't I be the girl that everyone reads about in the newspaper, the one who's so successful, who has worked her way to the top, or just to where she wants to be?
I just finished a movie called Teacher's Pet starring Clark Gable and Doris Day. Clark Gable plays an uneducated newspaper editor who thinks experience is more important than education. His boss makes him guest lecture in a journalism class taught by Doris Day's character. Gable is expecting an old, crotchety, male professor and instead encounters Day. He begins to like her and is dismayed to find she is dating someone. She isn't, really, just writing a book with him, but that isn't the point here. Doris Day's "boyfriend" is, like, perfect.
I know, people can't be perfect, but he is about as close to perfect as I can define it. He's nice, pretty good-looking, and is a successful psychologist who has written over a dozen books. Besides that, he was in some war, I think, and has traveled a lot of places. I can't really tell you all of what he did, because I don't quite remember, but the point is he's done so much. He made something of his life. He did something and became someone. I want to do that.
Someday, I want to see my name on a national bestseller's list. I would like my writing to be studied in classes (hey, they studied Twilight in a class at my school a couple years ago, why not?), to be pored over to find the true meaning of, to be picked apart into quotes that people use as their Facebook status. Will I ever be that person? Is wanting something enough to get you there? And I don't mean that like, just sit there and want it and never work to get it, but will the work done to get it ever be enough? Will it lead to the outcome you've worked so hard to achieve? And will I ever work hard enough to achieve it? Will my hard work ever matter?
Deep thoughts for a public blog... And I know no one can answer these questions, not really. I just feel like I have to get them out, and maybe someone can help me find the way to the answers I'm looking for. No questions this time, but if you'd like to answer them, go ahead. Be unafraid. Unlike me. =)
Motivation and hard work will take you where you wanna be. That's something I think we all deal with, in the short term it may seem like what we're doing isn't paying, but the long term when we get to that point in our life, I think we'll look back satisfied.
ReplyDeleteHello, Ms. Shenanigans!
ReplyDeleteAs I said in my forlorn text, my lengthy previous post went out into the ether, unsent, unread. So this is a test. I will see if this posts or vanishes before I decide to post a substantive post.
Cheers! Dr TC
Okay, Ms. Shenanigans, I will brave Cyberspace once again.
ReplyDeleteSo, I see you have some goals. In other posts, you have also mentioned some other goals. Do you have one master list of them? Somewhere that you can view them all together? That might be helpful in order to prioritize them, which is the first step towards accomplishment.
You know how to, if you'll pardon the phrase from an ele-lover, eat an elephant?
One bite at a time. So it is with goals. You have a BHAG staring you in the face. It's Big. It's Hairy. It's Audacious. It's your #1 Goal. It's so daunting, you are cowered into inactivity, apathy, and paralysis. I have been at that place and it does not feel good.
As you look over your list of goals, whT are truly your Top Three? Focus on those. Of the three, which is the Top Top goal? Which is the easiest of the three to accomplish? Personally, I like success stories, especially my own. So sometimes, especially after a down time, I like to pick the goal I can most easily and successfully accomplish--just to get that quick rush of accomplishment. It feels good.
So you have a goal you have chosen. I have discovered that there are some things about goals that can make them easier to achieve. I did not come up with this, someone else did and I find it helpful.
First, is your goal SPECIFIC? Is it kind of floaty and amorphous, tough to really nail down and quantify? You've got to firm it up. It's the difference between "seeing my name in lights" and "having an article on the front page of a major city newspaper." See how that gives a little more solidity to the goal, makes it seem more real?
Second, it must be MEASURABLE. Abovthe having a by- line on the front page of a newspaper makes it measurable. You either have a by- line or you do not.
Third, it must be ACHIEVABLE. Since you are an English Major, I think you've got that covered. What action items will make it achievable, however?
Fourth, it must be a REALISTIC goal. Again, due to your EM status, it is realistic, but tying in with the above, what steps toward that reality do you have to take?
Finally, your goal must have a TIMELINE. A deadline for the end, smaller milestones along the way to get that " one bite at a time" thing done.
You have probably already seen the acronym here: SMART goals.
All of these parts will help foster your success. They have always helped foster my success at achieving any goal.
Please let me know if you would like to work through some SMART goals off- line. I would be delighted to be of assistance.
With kindest regards,
Dr TC