After

I'm sitting here alone in my trailer with a bowl half-full (!) of melted ice cream studying for a test I'll probably fail in the morning (unless God has pity on me) as my 21st birthday draws to a close. This really is the life.

So, even though it must be August 2nd all over the world by now, I don't feel very different. Maybe a little more hopeless, but that's about something else than life.

I can't help wondering when I'll start to help myself. I always find myself waiting until the last possible moment to do something; putting it off in favor of doing something I think is fun, like watching tv or listening to music or blogging. When will I stop wasting time and get on with life? Will I ever? Am I really that lazy? How can I expect to reach the goals I've set for myself (See: Fool's Gold) if I am not willing to work to attain them? How will I ever become the writer I want to be if I don't ever write? How will I graduate with honors, the way I'd like to, if I keep procrastinating? How will I ever get out of this small town with its lack of opportunities if I never work to gather the money and resources I need? How can I expect to do anything when I do nothing?

Do I sound more enlightened? More mature? Has this day changed me at all? If anything, I think I'm worse off with this birthday. I got to enjoy a short (maybe) hour with family because I'm stuck studying for a test I should have already done the work for. Instead of clearing my day for the festivities my family deserves for having to put up with me, I left off what I should have done weeks ago. I can't blame anything but myself. And instead of sticking with my fate and buckling down to study, I went out to a movie. I enjoyed the movie, sure, but all I've done today is not do what I was supposed to do before now.

I thought I'd be a better person by now. I thought I'd been working at it. But I guess I was wrong. I guess I have to keep working. I thought this birthday would carry some meaning for me, if not finally being "legal" then having made some steps on the path that leads to Narnia. (And by Narnia, I mean that not so mythical place where things happen.) But I'm still here, at the beginning, waiting for that hovercraft yet to be invented to come and carry me where I'd like to be.

Well, this year is going to be different. By the time I graduate, I'm going to be someone I would like to meet. This is my new year's resolution. That, and to write constantly. It's fun; why do I not do it more often?

Anyway. I really didn't intend for this to be a rant against myself. I really did have fun today, when I was doing the fun things. So my birthday wasn't a complete failure.

Here's to being present.

I think this song fits the tone of this post. I could be wrong. It's still a pretty song.

By the way, just because I don't ask any questions doesn't mean I don't want to hear your answers.