Before

As a treat for my birthday, I thought I'd give you two blog entries this week, one today and one tomorrow. Today I wanted to post a little something I was thinking about in class today. But before I get to that, I wanted to talk about guys again. I have a vague feeling the guy in particular sort of likes me, too. We talked for a while today, and I learned a lot. But I'm still not sure what to do. According to your advice, I need to "ask him for coffee" and "make my move," even going so far as to "give him my number." But I can't do that. I'm just not that type of person. I think maybe I could be that person, but then I get to class and he sits next to me and I completely lose any courage I might have gathered up in the process of thinking I could be the type of person who can set her insecurities aside and be confident and brave enough to do any of that. So I guess I'll have to worry about that myself and figure out what I can and will do.

Now, before you read the rest of this, please go down to the bottom and listen to the video while you're reading. I'm not sure it has a lot to do with what I wrote, but it's a nice song, and I like the feeling behind it, a kind of "I don't want to grow up" interpretation. Well, sort of. So, go play the video and then come back. I'll know if you don't.

Well, okay, I won't, really. But please do.

Back? Good. Here it is.

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We pretend to see magic.

Magic that makes us believe in it.

Otherwise rational people now see a magic that makes them feel special and powerful because they pretended to see something that was never there, and if it was never there, we can't believe in it because that's ignorance and equivalent to stupidity, but stupidity is a natural response of otherwise rational people who pretend to see magic.

I thought I saw magic, somewhere in between the two of us. Whether it was really there or not, I still haven't decided, but I'd like to believe the magic I hope I wasn't pretending to see is real and palpable and still available to me, if I'd still like to see it and touch it and be it. Where is the magic if we don't pretend to see it? Is it still there? Does magic exist if no one purports to see it and touch it and be it? Can one have magic where no magic actually exists? Can we pretend the magic is there? How long will the vision last? How long can I keep up the illusion that the magic I thought was there is still there and real and palpable? Can I still touch it if it's not really there? What is magic if not something we pretend to see? What is magic except something to believe in that's not really there? We need magic and what it relates to us. We need the belief that things can be better if we only believe they can be better.

Is faith the same as believing in magic? Is believing in God equivalent to believing in magic? Is the ignorance and stupidity attributed to those who believe in magic transferred to those who believe in God? Does wanting to believe in magic make me stupid? Does wanting to believe in God make me ignorant? Does wanting to believe in you and me and us mean I really am crazy?

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I started out wanting to write about the guy next to me without letting him know I was writing about him. The "magic" began as that sort of magical feeling you get from talking to someone you could really like. It sort of turned into a wondering about the similarities between believing in God and believing in magic. Just so all of you know, I do believe in God, and I don't believe in magic besides the aforementioned kind.

Well, Katy's bugging me about making dinner, so I have to go. If you wanted more, blame Katy!! It's what I do.

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