Tonight
Have you ever felt selfish?
Sometimes (a lot of the time) I think about myself before I think about others. And then everything sucks. How does that happen? I do something that I want to do, before I do the things everyone else wants me to do, and I'm totally miserable because of it. It made more sense in my head, before I typed it out and made myself sound dumb. Well, of course, putting yourself before others is going to come back around and ruin you. That's kind of the point.
So I'd like to do things for other people. I don't know how, but I'm guessing not complaining tomorrow when I have to make dinner would be a good start. I have a lot to do this month (I also had a lot to do the past couple of months, which is why I haven't been posting regularly. Besides that, my life has taken a boring turn, which, I guess, isn't a great excuse), with school being almost over and all. I have around five stories to read and critique, an ode to write, a poem about Matt to rewrite, three other poems to read and critique, a poet paper (still not clear on what exactly that entails, but I'm sure I'll get more direction soon), an eight-page paper I haven't started on how the code of the street applies to Jacksonville (for which I cannot find divorce rates. Can anybody help?), another few journals and probably writing exercises to do (my Lit professor isn't too clear or proactive about assignments), and two (three?) more French exams. Yuck. Plus my job. (Not so yuck. More like, eh, okay.)
You know, I can't decide if I'm glad or not I'm not getting too many hours. On one hand, I have more time to finish said homework. On the other, rent is due soon... I'm feeling a little overwhelmed. I don't have very good priority setting skills or time management skills, so instead of tackling some of that homework when I got home from work around eight, I've spent the entire time watching Glee. Glee that I've already watched.
What is senioritis? I'm think I've caught it. I might have had it throughout college. Now I'm leaving and I'm afraid it's going to follow me into whatever job I end up with. If I end up with a job. I'm scared of the future, so I've put it off. Now it's here, and I don't know what to do with it. I might study abroad in Italy this summer. Just a possibility. If everything works out, and I get the scholarships I need, I could be learning about Italian art history in Italy. That makes me feel like an imposter. I'm not all that interested in art or its history. It is interesting, don't misread me (hmm...), but I'd enjoy my summer much better in London or wherever learning about Shakespeare or Wordsworth or Jane Austen. Instead I'm just hanging along for the ride, taking up space an actual art history major might have had. Maybe I won't go to Italy this summer. Another option is to go to Strasbourg, France and learn more French. But I can't stand the language (I think I've talked about this before. See: Fool's Gold.), and I'm terrified I'll get over there, forget everything and everyone will laugh at me. In slow motion. Like on Glee. Can't forget the pointing...
Now that I've written this totally self-centered post, I'll get back to the point. No more I. It's all about the you. What can this person do for you? Open House with my grandparents this weekend. The brother is going to be there. It's going to rock. And I am going to stop inner-complaining and maybe even try to be loquacious. Not very likely, but trying is usually enough for the people my grandparents hang out with. They're awesome, so they attract other awesome people. And by awesome, I mean they're incredibly nice and kind and so not selfish. They would do, I'm sure, anything for a person. I've yet to test that theory, because the only help I've really needed from other people is the kind only God can give me. And I haven't asked for that. Or earned it, I think. Especially since I keep using I. This seems like a good place to stop. Right before I actually say something, and right after I've wasted your time saying nothing. Good night. I hope you have good dreams. Sweet, strange dreams where your fifth-grade crush is leading you around your high school, rather than horrible, strange dreams where your father, and a bunch of other people worship an evil little girl. And now I've put it into your head, so you'll probably dream about the little girl showing you around your high school. I'll end this with a song.
I'm not sure if I've already used this, but it's good enough (and fits my mood enough) to use twice if I have, indeed, used this before.
Sometimes (a lot of the time) I think about myself before I think about others. And then everything sucks. How does that happen? I do something that I want to do, before I do the things everyone else wants me to do, and I'm totally miserable because of it. It made more sense in my head, before I typed it out and made myself sound dumb. Well, of course, putting yourself before others is going to come back around and ruin you. That's kind of the point.
So I'd like to do things for other people. I don't know how, but I'm guessing not complaining tomorrow when I have to make dinner would be a good start. I have a lot to do this month (I also had a lot to do the past couple of months, which is why I haven't been posting regularly. Besides that, my life has taken a boring turn, which, I guess, isn't a great excuse), with school being almost over and all. I have around five stories to read and critique, an ode to write, a poem about Matt to rewrite, three other poems to read and critique, a poet paper (still not clear on what exactly that entails, but I'm sure I'll get more direction soon), an eight-page paper I haven't started on how the code of the street applies to Jacksonville (for which I cannot find divorce rates. Can anybody help?), another few journals and probably writing exercises to do (my Lit professor isn't too clear or proactive about assignments), and two (three?) more French exams. Yuck. Plus my job. (Not so yuck. More like, eh, okay.)
You know, I can't decide if I'm glad or not I'm not getting too many hours. On one hand, I have more time to finish said homework. On the other, rent is due soon... I'm feeling a little overwhelmed. I don't have very good priority setting skills or time management skills, so instead of tackling some of that homework when I got home from work around eight, I've spent the entire time watching Glee. Glee that I've already watched.
What is senioritis? I'm think I've caught it. I might have had it throughout college. Now I'm leaving and I'm afraid it's going to follow me into whatever job I end up with. If I end up with a job. I'm scared of the future, so I've put it off. Now it's here, and I don't know what to do with it. I might study abroad in Italy this summer. Just a possibility. If everything works out, and I get the scholarships I need, I could be learning about Italian art history in Italy. That makes me feel like an imposter. I'm not all that interested in art or its history. It is interesting, don't misread me (hmm...), but I'd enjoy my summer much better in London or wherever learning about Shakespeare or Wordsworth or Jane Austen. Instead I'm just hanging along for the ride, taking up space an actual art history major might have had. Maybe I won't go to Italy this summer. Another option is to go to Strasbourg, France and learn more French. But I can't stand the language (I think I've talked about this before. See: Fool's Gold.), and I'm terrified I'll get over there, forget everything and everyone will laugh at me. In slow motion. Like on Glee. Can't forget the pointing...
Now that I've written this totally self-centered post, I'll get back to the point. No more I. It's all about the you. What can this person do for you? Open House with my grandparents this weekend. The brother is going to be there. It's going to rock. And I am going to stop inner-complaining and maybe even try to be loquacious. Not very likely, but trying is usually enough for the people my grandparents hang out with. They're awesome, so they attract other awesome people. And by awesome, I mean they're incredibly nice and kind and so not selfish. They would do, I'm sure, anything for a person. I've yet to test that theory, because the only help I've really needed from other people is the kind only God can give me. And I haven't asked for that. Or earned it, I think. Especially since I keep using I. This seems like a good place to stop. Right before I actually say something, and right after I've wasted your time saying nothing. Good night. I hope you have good dreams. Sweet, strange dreams where your fifth-grade crush is leading you around your high school, rather than horrible, strange dreams where your father, and a bunch of other people worship an evil little girl. And now I've put it into your head, so you'll probably dream about the little girl showing you around your high school. I'll end this with a song.
I'm not sure if I've already used this, but it's good enough (and fits my mood enough) to use twice if I have, indeed, used this before.
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