Summer Sometimes

Because I could not stop for Death—
He kindly stopped for me—
The Carriage held but just Ourselves—
And Immortality.

 

We slowly drove—He knew no haste
And I had put away
My labor and my leisure too,
For His Civility—

 

We passed the School, where Children strove
At Recess—in the Ring—
We passed the fields of Gazing Grain—
We passed the Setting Sun—

 

Or rather—He passed Us—
The Dews drew quivering and chill—
For only Gossamer, my Gown—
My Tippet—only Tulle—

 

We paused before a House that seemed
A Swelling of the Ground—
The Roof was scarcely visible—
The Cornice—in the Ground—

 

Since then—'tis Centuries—and yet
Feels shorter than the Day
I first surmised the Horses' Heads
Were toward Eternity—

 

 

I can't pretend to know what this is about, but it seems to be Emily dying. I'm reading a book, Second Chance Summer by Morgan Matson, about a girl whose family goes to their beach house for the summer.

 

Her dad is dying. He has pancreatic cancer. I'm on page 446, and I had to stop because my eyes drifted onto the next page to the word

 

 

No.

 

Just like that. Italicized and everything. It was preceded by the words "and I knew that something was different." About 50 pages ago, I had to take a break, because her description of how her dad was deteriorating made me cry. I couldn't help but think of my dad, and how much my life would lose if I lost him. I think about that a lot, probably too much. And I can't help but cry whenever I do, because my dad is my very favorite person in the entire world, and the world would suck without him.

 

Death is incredibly scary. My sister comes out of the shower, wrapped in a towel, and has to find someone to talk to because suddenly she's thought of death and she needs to think about something else. It takes over everything.

 

Sometimes I think about the act of dying, how it feels, what it looks like. I've never seen a dead body (not that I want to), but I've always wondered what it looks like. Do the dead look peaceful, as if sleeping? Or is there something more there, that makes it obvious there's not any life left? And what exactly happens to those who die? Apparently, Believers go to heaven, and everyone else goes to hell, and we never actually die. Just our bodies do. But before that, when our eyes close, is it like a dream? Like we're sleeping, but when we wake up, we won't be at home in bed, but in heaven? What does God look like? Do we see Him? Do we have any memory of what happened on Earth, like that my sister is my sister? Are we still ourselves, with our personalities, and our flaws? And what does it feel like to die? Do we know we're dead? Is that something we can know?
 

Summer Is Over