You Know What Your Problem Is?

You can realize something more than once. Did you know that? All it takes is faith that whatever it was will change. Say, you have a friend. You realize something about that friend. Sometimes what you realize is something you don't like. Say that this friend is a thief. She or he steals things from stores, from friends, from whoever it may be. All you need to re-realize that fact about your friend is to hope and to have faith that that person will change.

I re-realized I'm a hypocrite today. It wasn't a good feeling. It was like a metaphorical sucker punch to the gut. My whole body felt hot, especially my face. I suddenly felt the need to get away from everyone around me, to take a break from people. I went to get some water, which really just made my throat feel full. I hated it. And I really didn't like myself. I want to be a better person. I want to lead others to be better people. And I want those people to want me to lead them to be better people.

ASIDE: I've re-realized I do this a lot, writing out things in threes. When I describe something, I always have to come up with three ways to describe it. For example: My whole body felt hot, especially my face. I suddenly felt the need to get away from everyone around me, to take a break from people. I went to get some water, which really just made my throat feel full. Totally changed the way I look at my writing. I haven't decided whether it's okay or not to do it.

How can I lead others to be better people if I'm not living the example? I was listening to a sermon for a bible study my dad and sisters and I are doing. The pastor suggested finding someone to imitate when beginning your walk in Christ. I don't know too many people I can do that with. My dad would make a fantastic example. So would my grandpa, who used to be (maybe still is?... I'm not sure.) a pastor. But there isn't anyone I keep in regular contact with that I can imitate. This realization is making me reexamine the people in my life. For one, I don't hang out with enough older people. I imagine they'd have a jumpstart on following God's Word.

But here's part of the problem. Maybe the biggest part of the problem. Besides myself, I don't think I want to change anything about my life. Most of it makes me happy, and what doesn't I can't do anything about except trust that God will take care of it. And parts of my life I'm convinced I would miss if I were to give them up, though I think I remember someone saying you don't.

I guess my point is, this is hard. Way too hard to do by myself. I guess I'll have to ask for a little help from God and John.