Friends? Check Yes Or (No).
If "one of my best friends" will talk about things he knows isn't true behind my back, what can I expect from anybody else? How can I know, without a shadow of a doubt, that somebody wants me in his or her life? Maybe this is my fault. I expect too much of people, without really offering anything of myself. Maybe it's okay that sometimes I feel like she'd rather I stop trying. Maybe it's normal not to feel like I belong. Maybe I've made it all up in my head and they're wondering why I'm acting strangely.
I can tell when people don't want someone else around. They nod and grunt, but don't look you in the eye. No matter how long you talk, or what you talk about, they don't respond with more than a yeah or uh-huh. You're giving everything, and they're giving nothing. I know what that looks like, and I know what to do when I see it.
These people are sneaky about it. They'll look you in the eye, smile, and reply. You'll think you're both enjoying being around each other. It doesn't have to be special or especially fun. But you'll know that the other person is really listening, and is interested in what you're saying, and you'll give that back. And then they'll say something that makes you question everything. Not to you. No, this person will say it after you've walked away. Or the next time you talk to them, they'll nod and grunt. They won't look you in the eye. You'll go on, and they won't respond with more than a yeah or uh-huh. It seems eerily familiar, yet this person calls herself your friend. It can't be what you think it is.
I'm not sure how close I want to be with people like this. I know that there are other types of friends. They'll treat you the same way every time they see you. They'll know your quirks and your interests, and they won't dismiss them or defy them just because they don't share them. They're not perfect, by any means, but you know where you stand, all the time. You don't have to worry about feeling unsure, or try to decipher their meanings, because they'll say exactly what they mean. You'll disagree, and you may fight, but when it's over, it's really over, and it doesn't change the relationship.
How can I tell from the beginning, before I make any investments, which type any person will be? And if I can't? Are we all doomed to relationships with people who aren't who they portray themselves to be?
Meanwhile, I think I know who I am. I think I'm okay. But I can't help wondering if I'm wrong, every time someone treats me like I'm not worth it, whatever it is. How can I tell when it's my problem, and when it's theirs?
Something I've realized somewhat recently is that you rarely get the chance to explain yourself. I think that's why the idea of a journal or a blog or vlog is so appealing to so many people. Without having to maneuver any situation, you get to say why exactly you do things. Even if those words never reach who you mean, it does feel better to get them out.
So I wasn't upset then for any reason that you may have thought. Yeah, I liked you then, but I wasn't angry because you didn't want to be in the same room, but because no one did. You were just easy to be mad at because you were sleeping on the couch when we had an available bed. That whole trip, I felt abandoned because I was friends with her, and no one else was. It was the same situation on the cruise, when you all left me to win the scavenger hunt, and I had to wait because she was my friend.
I don't not talk to anyone because I don't like them. That's not true, I don't talk to some people because I don't like them. I guess I just mean all of you. I don't have anything to contribute, and I like listening to others talk. I think that's what I like so much about having such a large group. Not that I don't really like all of you individually, but I don't have to try so hard to be loquacious (or interesting) because I would rarely have the opportunity to talk anyway. This is harder when it's just two of us, but know that I'm trying, and also know that just because I have to try so hard doesn't mean we're not good friends. I only ever not have to try with just some of my family.
I don't like you anymore, at least not in the same way. And when I don't try to talk to guys or say no when you intimate that I should, this doesn't mean that I still like you. Or that I'm gay. It just means that I don't want to talk to them.
I don't like being put on a pedestal. I like being liked, and sometimes it's almost the same thing, like when people say that anyone in the bookstore would fight for me. This feels good, even though I've learned this isn't true. I don't like others saying how good I am, or nice, when that's not how I feel. I am imperfect, just like everyone else, and I do bad things. Pointing out how I'm one of the only nice ones, to me, just emphasizes these faults. Yeah, I'm nice. But so are you, and sometimes I'm only nice because being mean is something I take too far too easily.
Finally, this is just a pretty song.
I can tell when people don't want someone else around. They nod and grunt, but don't look you in the eye. No matter how long you talk, or what you talk about, they don't respond with more than a yeah or uh-huh. You're giving everything, and they're giving nothing. I know what that looks like, and I know what to do when I see it.
These people are sneaky about it. They'll look you in the eye, smile, and reply. You'll think you're both enjoying being around each other. It doesn't have to be special or especially fun. But you'll know that the other person is really listening, and is interested in what you're saying, and you'll give that back. And then they'll say something that makes you question everything. Not to you. No, this person will say it after you've walked away. Or the next time you talk to them, they'll nod and grunt. They won't look you in the eye. You'll go on, and they won't respond with more than a yeah or uh-huh. It seems eerily familiar, yet this person calls herself your friend. It can't be what you think it is.
I'm not sure how close I want to be with people like this. I know that there are other types of friends. They'll treat you the same way every time they see you. They'll know your quirks and your interests, and they won't dismiss them or defy them just because they don't share them. They're not perfect, by any means, but you know where you stand, all the time. You don't have to worry about feeling unsure, or try to decipher their meanings, because they'll say exactly what they mean. You'll disagree, and you may fight, but when it's over, it's really over, and it doesn't change the relationship.
How can I tell from the beginning, before I make any investments, which type any person will be? And if I can't? Are we all doomed to relationships with people who aren't who they portray themselves to be?
Meanwhile, I think I know who I am. I think I'm okay. But I can't help wondering if I'm wrong, every time someone treats me like I'm not worth it, whatever it is. How can I tell when it's my problem, and when it's theirs?
Something I've realized somewhat recently is that you rarely get the chance to explain yourself. I think that's why the idea of a journal or a blog or vlog is so appealing to so many people. Without having to maneuver any situation, you get to say why exactly you do things. Even if those words never reach who you mean, it does feel better to get them out.
So I wasn't upset then for any reason that you may have thought. Yeah, I liked you then, but I wasn't angry because you didn't want to be in the same room, but because no one did. You were just easy to be mad at because you were sleeping on the couch when we had an available bed. That whole trip, I felt abandoned because I was friends with her, and no one else was. It was the same situation on the cruise, when you all left me to win the scavenger hunt, and I had to wait because she was my friend.
I don't not talk to anyone because I don't like them. That's not true, I don't talk to some people because I don't like them. I guess I just mean all of you. I don't have anything to contribute, and I like listening to others talk. I think that's what I like so much about having such a large group. Not that I don't really like all of you individually, but I don't have to try so hard to be loquacious (or interesting) because I would rarely have the opportunity to talk anyway. This is harder when it's just two of us, but know that I'm trying, and also know that just because I have to try so hard doesn't mean we're not good friends. I only ever not have to try with just some of my family.
I don't like you anymore, at least not in the same way. And when I don't try to talk to guys or say no when you intimate that I should, this doesn't mean that I still like you. Or that I'm gay. It just means that I don't want to talk to them.
I don't like being put on a pedestal. I like being liked, and sometimes it's almost the same thing, like when people say that anyone in the bookstore would fight for me. This feels good, even though I've learned this isn't true. I don't like others saying how good I am, or nice, when that's not how I feel. I am imperfect, just like everyone else, and I do bad things. Pointing out how I'm one of the only nice ones, to me, just emphasizes these faults. Yeah, I'm nice. But so are you, and sometimes I'm only nice because being mean is something I take too far too easily.
Finally, this is just a pretty song.
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