Well, Hello There

Life can change in an instant. 

Life has the potential to be a lot of things: exciting, adventurous, safe, happy, wonderful, disappointing. Who decides which of these your life is?

If society is to be believed, you are. You are in charge of your own destiny, and the choices that you make shape that destiny. You hold the power. But I was raised to believe that my life should follow the plans of God, that every choice I make should be for the glory of God, and that if I can do that, the blessings that God will give me will be far better than anything I could achieve on my own. 

I do believe that, and I also believe that everyone needs God and that He is the way, the truth, and the life. Or maybe I'm just quoting my pastor. Lately I've been wondering if God really is for me, if He really does care about me the way that everyone says he does. It's hard to have faith when you feel so hopeless. 

Sometimes I wish I could change everything about my life. I could just become someone else. One day, I will take that drive. The one that never ends, that takes me away from everything I have now, maybe toward everything I've always wanted. 

There is a scene in Good Will Hunting where Matt Damon's character just isn't there anymore. Ben knocks on the door, just as he has everyday for however many days, and Matt doesn't answer. No goodbye, no explanation. For Matt, that meant he was on his way to something bigger. Not better, not necessarily, just more than what he had before. As selfish as that gesture seems, I want that for myself one day. You will come and knock on my door, but I won't be there. 

Maybe what I will have won't be bigger or better or anything I've ever wanted. But lately I've been feeling the need to be gone. Maybe that's not actually what I want, to be gone from you. Maybe I want to be gone from myself, if only for a little while. But how do you get away from yourself? No matter where I go, she always follows. 

This feeling is as true as anything I've ever said, but that isn't where I meant to go with this.

I've been waiting my entire life for a life-changing moment. Maybe the idea that I've held for that moment is too rigid. I've seen way too many of someone else's romantic life-changing moment. Ted spotting Robin across the bar, Rachel not getting on the plane. I can't wait anymore. I'm not good at it, and it's taking too long. I need my life-changing moment. Now. 

But I don't think it's coming. I don't think I would even recognize it, let alone take it and make it what it should be. Yesterday I watched a girl and a guy talk for a while, though they were both working, and they exchanged numbers, and now they're talking and maybe on their way to becoming something. It happens all the time. It seems everyone walking by me is wearing that particular ring, or holding someone's hand, or simply on their way to it. That will never be me, will it?