Melancholic Catch-up

I am feeling a lot. I am disappointed in myself for everything I am right now. I am lazy, unmotivated, unhappy, and boring. And bored. I don't know what to do about it. Depending on what you believe about the world, I should either make my own change or rely on God to fulfill His plan in me. I believe that God will enact His plan for my life, but what if His plan is to leave me this lump of a human? That doesn't sound right to me, really, though, if I'm honest, I don't know Him that well. I am feeling heartbroken. It's hard to put into words, especially via a blog that I know anyone might read. I spend a lot of time distracting myself from my problems, because I don't know how to solve them, and if I did, I don't have the confidence to do what it takes. 

I want a new job, and I want it to be something that fulfills something other than my financial obligations. But I'm afraid to be less than what they're looking for, and what if I find something that seems interesting, but it sucks when I get there? I am not a person who is confident (at all, but especially) in my abilities to do things, so how can I write something that makes someone want to hire me? I can't tell you how well I'll do, but I'll try so hard. But is that true? 

 I want to be married, but am I even ready for that? It sounds so weird, like, how could I be at a place in my life when marriage is actually a thing that's on the table for me? I've gotten older than I feel so much faster than I thought. And, like, what boy--man, I'm supposed to be looking for a man now, how strange--would have any interest in me? None of them have so far; what could possibly have changed? Except that, I swear, I've become less interesting. I do nothing, and if you think that's exaggerating, I reached my daily 2 hour limit of TikTok just now. Read into that what you will. To be fair, it's the first time I've exceeded the limit since I set it, but I won't excuse that behavior. 

How does marriage even work? It sounds so peculiar, I just pick this guy I like a lot and decide suddenly to show him all of the things I keep hidden from my friends and family aside from my sister/roommate, like how I don't do the dishes for days, organize everything obsessively yet somehow also make messes that remain for a week, and somehow drop food or liquid, break something made of glass, and/or injure myself multiple times a day? 

How do you meet a person and actually speak to them? I know that sounds like a super basic thing, but it is so hard when I'm looking him in the face (more often, avoiding eye contact). How do two people who have met begin a relationship, unless, does everyone not have that self-preservation instinct to hold back as much of themselves as possible in every social interaction while still attempting to appear witty and personable? I can't believe I'm having this "God has to have been involved" moment over such a trivial idea, but the only conclusion I can draw is that these things were all supposed to happen. I don't know how else to explain the phenomenon we call dating. It seems like it would never happen, if left to our own devices. Though, I can see the world from only my perspective, and it hasn't happened to me. For me. Whichever. 

So while the idea of marriage kind of scares and baffles me, I was driving a different way home than I usually do, and I was looking at the houses I was driving by as I usually do, imagining a life I might have in one of these houses, and I was struck by an idea that I'd recently had about my life and marriage. It isn't going to happen. And though I'd been doing mostly okay with this certainty that God does not intend for me to be married, suddenly I was faced with the very specific loss of never getting to have the domestic life that I saw everyone around me entering or enjoying. And it was jarring and heartbreaking and bleak. 

I am self-focused, selfish, and aloof. I am not compassionate, generous, or friendly. I am not at all the person I want to be, but I don't know how to be different, and sometimes I don't want to be. I am the only person I'll spend my entire life with, and I kind of hate her. What a bleak life, indeed. What was this? Stream of consciousness, self-bashing, no one will care about this, so don't post it. I'm sorry that my first foray back into this blog is this. 

TLDR: What do you do if the only person you'll spend your whole life with kind of sucks and change is unlikely? The internet might say, dump them. But that would be illegal. So.